By Jenny Peterson
Today, I’m diving deep into a crucial piece to your healing: boundaries. Whether you know what they are or don't have a clue, join me as I unravel how boundaries play a pivotal role in supporting your body and mind. Discover why you must establish boundaries not only with others but yourself, for a successful healing journey. I will leave you with a list of places where you can start setting these boundaries so you can start taking action to support your healing today!
If you asked me 10 years ago what boundaries are, I would have given you the basic definition of what they mean. Something like, it's a line that marks the limit to an area, a dividing line. While that answer is true, I had no idea that there was such a thing as personal boundaries. The reason I didn’t know what personal boundaries were was because I grew up in an environment with very strong boundary pushers. It goes back generations in my family and I somehow was the one that was chosen to change all this.
Now if you are like me 10 years ago and don’t have a clue what personal boundaries are, it's ok, I got you covered. I’m going to start with a short introduction of the basics of boundaries.
WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
Think of your boundaries like a property line. I will use a story to illustrate how boundaries work because it's easiest that way. Let's say Chris has a problem with his neighbor. Chris' neighbor, Sharon, would come into his yard and bring his newspaper from the driveway to his doorstep and Sharon would pick a few of his flowers along the way. Chris felt annoyed but didn't say anything.
Chris figured it wasn't worth making a stink over it. The neighbor probably assumed it was okay for her to move the paper and take a few flowers. Maybe she thought she was doing Chris a favor.
Months passed like this. Chris would sometimes find Sharon's dog in his yard. The dog pooped on his grass and chased away the birds at his bird feeder. Still, Chris said nothing. He wanted to be a good neighbor. He didn't want a reputation for being difficult and he worried his neighbor might get angry at him if he told her to stay off his property. Finally, Chris came home one day to find the Sharon's kids playing in his yard yelling, running through the bushes, empty juice boxes on his front step, throwing toys around like they owned the place. Understandably, Chris' blood was boiling at this point.
Chris was responsible for not setting and enforcing the boundary. He allowed his neighbor to take advantage of his lack of boundaries. Certainly, it seems Chris' neighbor behaved badly. She is, of course, responsible for her own actions, her kids, and her dog. Some behaviors are clearly wrong, but many, like the actions of Chris' neighbor, start out in the gray area – acceptable to some people and not acceptable to others. Sharon may or may not have known that Chris didn’t like her picking the flowers. The point is, when you don't speak up and say that a boundary has been crossed, it gives the impression that you're okay with it.
It would have been better for everyone if from the beginning Chris had said, "Hi Sharon. I'm sure you didn't realize it, but I like to bring in my own paper and please don’t pick the flowers in my yard."
When a boundary is crossed, you need to provide feedback saying it’s not okay. The boundary is worthless if you don't enforce it by giving feedback and consequences. Some people will easily accept a boundary and others will continue to challenge and escalate it. So, if Sharon continued to violate the boundaries, he'd need to address it with her again. The specific consequences depend on the nature of the relationship and the relationship history.
Chris could build a 10-foot-tall fortress around his house. This would definitely keep his neighbor away, but it would also keep out his friends and everyone else he wants to see. Chris needs a flexible boundary, like a fence with a gate, that keeps unwanted people out while still allowing other people in. Or he needs to simply say to the neighbor that what she’s doing is not ok and will no longer tolerate it.
WHY YOU NEED BOUNDARIES
Like Chris, without boundaries, you’re going to have dogs sh**ting all over your lawn. You’ve probably already experienced the human equivalent of this.
1. Boundaries allow you to be your true self
Boundaries create a separateness that allows you to have your own feelings, make your own decisions, and know and ask for what you want without needing to please others.
2. Boundaries are a form of self-care
Healthy emotional boundaries mean you value your own feelings and needs and you understand you are not responsible for how others feel or behave. Boundaries allow you to let go of worrying about how others feel and place accountability squarely with the individual.
Boundaries also keep you from overextending yourself. You can’t take on every project, work every shift, or be on every committee that you’re asked to join. Boundaries mean saying “no” to things that don’t align with your priorities.
3. Boundaries create realistic expectations
Whether it's with a friend, spouse, neighbor, or boss, relationships function best when we know what's expected. When you clearly communicate your boundaries, people know how they are expected to behave. When expectations aren’t communicated and met, resentment and anger grows.
4. Boundaries create safety
Boundaries provide physical and emotional safety by keeping out what feels uncomfortable or hurtful.
You can set boundaries in virtually any area of your life. Sometimes these are boundaries you need to communicate with others and a lot of times, they are with yourself.
Some of the most common areas that we need to set boundaries with ourselves and others are:
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries refer to the guidelines we establish to protect our physical space and body. They pertain to your comfort with physical touch, your personal space and your privacy.
Emotional Boundaries
The limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships regarding our feelings, thoughts, and emotional needs. They help us separate our own feelings from those of others and take responsibility for our own emotional needs while not taking on the emotions and needs of others. Being able to say no without feeling guilty and not automatically taking on others emotions or problems. This is a huge area that most people need work, especially those that consider themselves empaths.
Time Boundaries
These boundaries refer to the limits we set on how we use and value our time. They ensure that we can manage our time effectively, fulfill our responsibilities and also make time for relaxation and personal interests.
Material Boundaries
These are the guidelines we establish around our possessions and resources. This includes money, personal belongings, your home, etc. These boundaries help to maintain respect and understanding between people regarding the usage and sharing of personal property.
Digital Boundaries
These are the boundaries that refer to the guidelines that you establish for your interaction and behavior in the digital space, including social media, email, messaging apps, etc. These boundaries help protect your time, energy and mental health.
Spiritual Boundaries
This boundary is related to one’s personal beliefs, religious practices and spiritual journey.
BOUNDARIES & HEALING
When it comes to boundaries and healing chronic health conditions, they go together like peanut butter and jelly.
It wasn’t until I started to do work in personal growth that boundaries became such an important part of my healing journey. When I worked with clients in my holistic practice years ago, never once did I talk to them about setting boundaries in their life to heal. Supplements and diet changes don’t provide that deep personal transformation. But, it was the actions that I took where I set boundaries in my mind and life that truly changed everything regarding my chronic health conditions.
Your symptoms tell you where you need to set boundaries with yourself or others. To be honest with you, most of the boundaries that I needed to set were around myself. Taking on too much, saying yes when I should have been saying no, setting limits to how much I work, not allowing myself to give energy to certain thoughts and the language that I spoke to myself.
With others I needed to set boundaries around how others treated me, speaking up when I needed to, protecting my personal space and personal beliefs.
You may be wondering how simple acts like setting boundaries with myself and others completely changed my health. Remember how I always say, your survival mind only cares about one thing: am I safe or not safe? Do you think having a fear of speaking up feels safe to the mind? How do you think feeling overwhelmed feels to the mind? Or that you can’t protect your territory?
None of these feel safe when it comes to the survival brain. So when you step into your power, become the commander in chief that provides safety to your mind, your body no longer needs to adapt to keep you alive. This is how your chronic symptoms go away. Again this is very individual and the boundaries that you need to set will be revealed through your symptoms as well as the situations in your life.
Just like all transformational work, you need to start small and slow. Jumping into doing deep level work without prepping the brain will only cause more stress and subconscious resistance. So I have a few boundaries that you can start with to get the ball rolling and help you start stepping into the commander in chief that your body is asking you to do.
BOUNDARIES TO SET WITH OTHERS
When you are healing from chronic conditions there are areas that are in your best interest to set boundaries with others to support your healing.
People offering advice without you asking
Man, our world needs a dose of what boundaries mean when it comes to other people's problems. We are given advice by every know-it-all out there when we tell them what problems we are facing. Oftentimes, we just want to be heard but instead of being heard, we get a lecture or speech on what we should or shouldn’t be doing or trying. Set boundaries around this. If someone offers advice when you didn’t ask for it, it's best to set a boundary. Depending on the situation you may need to kindly say that you are appreciative of the help, but you really want to stick to what you are doing on your own.
You also may need to set a boundary with yourself of how much you share with certain people especially if you know that this is going to be the type of response they give or if they don’t respect your journey. I had a lot of this while on my journey and it's really all about the person caring about you and having good intent. At the same time, offering more information or tips and tricks to someone that has tried a lot of things already can be overwhelming and frustrating.
Check in calls
Now not everyone may be dealing with this, but those that have severe conditions that limit them from doing normal activities, you probably can relate to this. Especially if your chronic conditions are fairly new, meaning in the last 5 years.
Check in calls are the calls that people that love you are doing to see how you are doing. Now you may say what is wrong with this, that is just kind. Yes, it absolutely is. And it also can get your mind in a funk if it's done regularly. Let me give you an example. My mom used to call me daily when I was really sick. Since my life was pretty boring at that time, the subject was always my health and how I felt that day, etc. The conversation would often leave me in a down state for the rest of the day. I’m not saying that down state wasn’t my fault because I chose to let it happen. I wasn’t at the time mentally strong enough nor did my mom know how these conversations create strong patterns in the brain that keep perpetuating the situation.
Then there was the deeper subconscious pattern of "If I show mom that I’m happy today, then she will think I’m ok and expect me to do xyz." I became afraid to show that I was having good days because I was in fear of the expectations that would then follow from others. This is so common and it's often how we slowly develop a sad look on our face and smiling eventually becomes uncomfortable or unfamiliar.
It wasn’t until I became more aware of my thoughts and conversations with other people that I realized that I needed to set a boundary here.
The boundary that I set was letting my mom know that I didn’t need daily check-ins and that when she wanted to chat, that I really preferred we not talk about my health. If I wanted to, I would bring it up. It's amazing how this little shift made a difference in how my days played out and how I felt when I talked to my mom.
How much people are doing for you
We often run across students where their family members are doing too much for them. Now that doesn’t mean help from family is bad either. What I’m referring to is areas that maybe we are capable of but we are not choosing to do because someone else is doing it. This happening for too long can cause secondary gains (aka benefits) to not getting well and also limits your action on taking back your power. Again, there is a fine balance of asking for help and also setting a boundary around how much help is really needed. This often happens again from parents that just want to help but it's taken too far. We have to be willing to set limits with them because often they don’t set them with themselves.
BOUNDARIES TO SET WITH YOURSELF
Now like I mentioned, there will most likely be more boundaries that you need to set with YOURSELF than with others on your healing journey. These boundaries are going to put limits around the old patterns that you have been operating from for years. Setting boundaries with yourself is a form of self love and it's the discipline that will help you stay focused. Boundaries with yourself are essentially creating healthy disciplined habits that will help you create change in your life and health.
Now there are a lot of areas that you will need to create boundaries with yourself to heal. Again, this isn’t the place for deep work. I am going to give you some very basic small places to start working that boundary muscle with yourself.
Your expectations of others.
This is a broad area but two things come to mind here when I say this. Expectations of how you expect others to react to your situation and expectations of what people need to do for you regarding your situation.
When I was dealing with chronic conditions, I expected my husband to be there for me every time I was having a panic attack. I would call him at work, wake him up in the middle of the night, etc. When he couldn’t do those things or didn’t respond the way that I expected him to, I would be hurt. My hurt was being caused by my own expectations and truthfully they were too high, especially after I began having them daily and weekly. He simply couldn’t stop what he was doing every time I had one and there was nothing he could do to make it go away anyway.
Letting go of my expectations of him helped me to see that I was the only one that could create change in my life. He supported me and loved me by helping me get whatever help I needed but ultimately I had to do the work.
Time on Social Media
You don’t need to have chronic conditions to set this boundary. I think all of us need it. But when it comes to having chronic conditions, you have to set boundaries around what you are engaging in since your brain is like a sponge at this time. You are soaking up all this information because you want to “fix” yourself, and you want to get back to normal yesterday.
Because of the lovely algorithms that are designed to give you what you are looking for, you will be bombarded with people trying to sell you the latest solution to your problem on social media. You will be tempted to stray from your focus because they are promising you so much.
A lot of these online groups are also not helpful. Oftentimes, these groups keep you in a victim state because everyone is focused on the labels, that whatever you have is incurable or you have people that have no expertise giving advice. Then there are the groups that may be about mindset and helping you identify subconscious patterns, but let's be honest, is that a place where you can get true personal transformational work done? These may be places where seeds are planted to help guide you to your next step, to find resources, but again you need to set boundaries around how far you let it take you.
I consider all of these places online just distractions that pull you away from your focus, mess with your head and only cause more confusion. One of the first steps I took was getting away from these. It took me seeing them posting obituaries of people that died from Lyme disease for me to say, this is not a place for me. Be careful what you surround yourself with and set boundaries to how much information you are allowing your brain to soak up.
How much time you spend doing “healing work”.
So many of the people I speak to are making healing a full time job. They are going to therapy, getting blood tests, shopping for certain foods, getting treatments, doing meditation, cold plunges and so much more. And we wonder why people are overwhelmed with healing.
The truth is, healing isn’t and shouldn’t be a full time job. Because true healing comes when you go back to living as normal as possible and shift the way you respond to life. The healing is in the living, the practice of taking action. It's not in doing all this external stuff, it's the inner work that matters the most. It’s the inner work that happens when you are getting triggered, experiencing something that is uncomfortable, shifting old thoughts in the moment, etc. It's these small actions that you take in the moment that add up and help you step into the 2.0 version of yourself, where your body feels safe.
If you are doing all this stuff, filling your days with healing protocols, it's going to be exhausting. And that tells me that there is force. Doing more to hopefully heal faster, make the process easier, etc. But what is really happening is that you are putting so much pressure on yourself to heal that you are actually delaying your healing.
Set boundaries with how much healing work you are doing. Most likely most of it isn’t needed. Set a rule with yourself that you are only going to spend let's say 3 hours a day on healing work, or whatever that might be for you. In MBR we give our students the exact healing work they need to do and it doesn’t take up more than 2 hours of their day. Remember what I said, the true work is the work that happens when you are living as normal as possible.
Giving too much of Yourself
Most of our clients with chronic conditions are those that have been giving and giving their entire lives. They have not focused on themselves and their bodies are relaying the message.
This was me. I spend hours working at my store helping others with their health and never taking the time to even take 15 minutes for myself daily to go on a walk. A client couldn’t be at my store until 7pm for an appointment, no problem. Want me to open on a Sunday so you can get your supplements? I’ll be there. Need emergency help? Here is my number, you can call me at any time. I had zero boundaries in my life.
That is what led me to having chronic conditions, but when I was sick, I didn’t stop. Instead of helping others in my store, I was filling my time trying to be the perfect mom despite not physically, mentally or emotionally not being able to do it. I had felt so much pressure to be there for my son and also heal myself.
Everything changed when I decided to put myself as a priority. I had to admit that I couldn’t do it all. I had to ask my husband to take over the grocery shopping, some of the cooking and laundry. I had to set boundaries on what I could and couldn’t do because I had nothing to give anymore. This is where that balance comes in of getting help. Was I capable of doing all this? No. I needed help while I was working on myself and supporting my body in its healing. Was I abusing it? No. I had to delegate these things so I could focus on rest and self care.
Once my energy improved, I was able to continue putting my self care as a priority and take on those tasks again. I also learned that the world doesn’t fall apart when dishes are not done nightly or the house isn’t cleaned. It was these expectations that I had to let go of that I was putting on myself that really were driving my stress to begin with.
Set limits with how much you are giving. If you are experiencing chronic conditions, your body is telling you things need to change.
How you start your day
If you start your day as soon as your eyes wake with worrisome thoughts, body scanning, grabbing your phone to search some more or fear about your symptoms, it's time to set some boundaries. Boundaries with yourself and what you allow in your precious real estate, your mind. How you start your day will set the tone for the rest of your day. If you start it by going down the same old rabbit hole of negative thinking, it's just going to keep going from there. Plus, right when you wake is a pivotal time for programming your subconscious mind, so if this is how you start your day, it is just going to get wired into your subconscious to continue this way and you will continue to attract what you are thinking.
Remember boundaries with yourself is discipline with yourself. Setting these limits will help you keep your focus. If your focus is healing, these old patterns are not going to help you. Don’t allow yourself to do the things that are not supporting your healing. When you focus on your problems you will continue attracting your problems. Use your awareness muscle to notice where your head is going and immediately shift it to what you want in your life instead. See yourself symptom free, doing what you want, being who you want to be. That needs to be your focus as soon as you wake. This will program your subconscious to provide you with the steps and actions you need to take to achieve your desires.
WHAT PREVENTS YOU FROM SETTING BOUNDARIES?
When I started to set all these boundaries, the boundary pushers in my family didn’t like it. I was such a meanie, so selfish and rude. That's at least what someone who has abused your boundaries your entire life will think. You have to be prepared for that and not respond in old ways. Now, I do not suggest you set boundaries with family members regarding deep rooted issues that have been bothering you your entire life right now. That will backfire because you didn’t prep yourself, or do the subconscious work that is needed to do that. Again start small with some of the examples that I gave.
There are going to be subconscious patterns that are going to prevent you from setting boundaries. Maybe even the ones that I suggested today. If you find yourself not being able to set them, then most likely there are underlying patterns that need to be addressed first. This is the deep work that essentially needs to be done to truly feel safe enough to set boundaries with yourself or others.
1. Fear
It's scary to do something different. What are you actually afraid of? How likely is this to happen? What will happen if you set a boundary? What will happen if you don't? By asking yourself questions like these, you can give yourself a reality check and find out if your fear is alerting you of real danger or keeping you stuck.
2. You don't know how
If you grew up in a family without boundaries, you probably never saw anyone model or teach you healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries is a skill that can be learned in baby steps.
3. You don’t believe that you are important
When we have a core belief that we are not important, we will not put ourselves first and it will be difficult to take action to do that even though we consciously want to.
4. People-pleasing
You don't want to ruffle feathers. You don't want to disappoint people. You'll pretty much avoid conflict at all costs. This is a huge area that we see with our clients due to old programming from childhood.
Once you identify what is driving you to not set the boundaries that you know you need to do, it will be easy to understand why you haven’t taken action. But remember once something becomes conscious, we then have a choice. That then leaves you with the option of keeping these old patterns that are no longer serving you or changing them to forever change your life and health!
SUMMARY
Boundaries are going to be something that you will forever be setting. Once you start, it will feel so good that you will want to continue doing it in all areas of your life. Boundaries create the rules, the standards in which you live by. It creates order instead of chaos which is why they feel so good to set. Inner chaos doesn’t feel good nor does it send messages of safety to your body.
There is no pill, diet or magic tool that will provide the safety that your body needs to feel in order to heal. It comes from you stepping into your power and adapting to life in healthier ways. Boundaries are a part of this adaptation that your body is asking you to do. They will be a crucial part of what this healing journey is here to teach you.
In MBR boundaries are one of the main things that we teach to help people resolve years of chronic health issues. At the root of all health conditions, there is going to be a lesson in boundaries with either yourself or others. Boundaries in how you think, how you adapt and what you allow or don’t allow into your personal space and much more.
Doing this work on your own can feel like there is so much to do and you don’t know where to start. Let us help you simplify this process by providing you with a step by step plan for your healing.
This healing plan will be the exact steps you need to take to address your chronic symptoms and how we can support you in that plan. If you would like to work with myself and the MBR team, this is the first step to take.
Without a plan, you can plan on your old patterns to continue taking control and getting in the way of your healing. We got your back at MBR.
You are unique, your symptoms are connected to very specific patterns within your subconscious.
Without a plan unique to you, you will continue struggling and miss out on the life you deserve to be living! To help you get started on your long-lasting healing journey, we would love to provide you with a healing plan that is unique to you. Get your custom healing plan today!
You can also download my free healing guide, “Why Can’t I Heal” where you will learn the 5 reasons that you haven't healed despite everything you've tried. These are the missing pieces to your healing and the key to resolving your symptoms for good.
Jenny Peterson is the founder and CEO of Mind Body Rewire (MBR). She teaches those that are overwhelmed with trying to heal chronic symptoms how to simplify their healing by focusing on just one place, the subconscious mind. Learn more about MBR here.
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